I Can't Give You What You Want
by By My Pen
Summary: "Jimmy began to be glad of his choice to make good with Thomas. And he was glad of the maturity Thomas was capable of when told that he have what he wanted." But Jimmy can't help but feel sad for Thomas. Spoilers xmas special


**A/N: **I am a terrible human being. Why? Because I said I'd update what needed to be updated, write more, and...this is what I give you. Nothing to do with any of my other stories. Nothing to do with Not All Bad, which so desperately needs updating that I can hear it audibly complaining. Sorry.

But I have this in the meantime! I'm harsh on Jimmy so I frankly think that this is OOC for him but whatevs. Take it as you will XD

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Jimmy began to be glad of his choice to make good with Thomas. And he was glad of the maturity Thomas was capable of when told that he have what he wanted. The under-butler was true to his word and it made for an ease and comfortability between them that was different to before, perhaps better than.

As a result of this, they were both in more companionable moods more frequently. At first, this aroused suspicion the occurrences of that summer were no secret but Mr Carson, upon inspection of their new dynamic, dampened down those suspicions. He and Mrs Hughes agreed that it was better all around if they didn't have that bitterness and awkwardness that seemed to constantly have been hanging between them.

So they carried on their merry ways. They never were alone together, or went out without another. The doors to their bedrooms were always open when the other was in it. But Thomas didn't complain and Jimmy was glad of it. It meant that further awkwardness was dispelled. Thomas was perfectly happy to have this friendship, especially in light of their previously strained relationship.

Jimmy saw it sometimes, though. Every now and then, he'd catch Thomas watching him. Just watching, with a slight smile on his face before turning to stare at nothing. Or sometimes, he'd notice how Thomas would reach out to put a hand on the young footman's shoulder or pat him on the back, but suddenly stopping himself and subtly whipping his hand away. Jimmy knew the older man still harboured the same feelings and with every aborted movement, word or look, he appreciated the great trouble Thomas was going through to follow his wishes.

And sometimes, it made him sad. It made him wish that Thomas had never been inflicted in such a way that he could love women instead. It made him wish that maybe the under-butler could find another man with his...preferences.

And very rarely and in a very small amount it made him wish that _he_ could be that way, in order to ease Thomas's suffering.

Of course, he very quickly squashed that thought whenever it entered his head.

But, still, it kept returning.

One day, he allowed himself to think about it. Really. Properly. In the dark and solitude of his bed at night he thought about how he might make it easier on Mr Barrow. And a plan began to formulate.

He started it with slight touches of his own, when no one was watching. Maybe slightly more that a friend might a friend but never enough to encourage. Then he began to go on outings with only Thomas, not bothering to ask for a buffer or someone for show. Always in public places, certainly, but he gave Thomas that trust. It seemed worth it given the look on the other man's face when he suggested it the first time and Jimmy deemed it long enough since the incident that no one should much care any longer.

And then, gently and without prying, he began to ask Thomas about how he came to be this way. They had walks through the village under the pretext of errands or shops, but when they took time to talk about Thomas's problem.

Jimmy did his best to not be disgusted; Thomas did his best to not disgust, revealing only broad information. Nothing detailed.

It was a happy and manageable existence for them both. Until, one day, Thomas stopped and asked about Jimmy's slight change. A change so slight that Jimmy thought it had gone unnoticed but he didn't mind discovering that it wasn't.

So he answered honestly.

"I know this is sometimes difficult for you, Thomas," he began. "I wanted to ease your way some. It doesn't mean I'm prepared to give you want you want, I just want to...give what I'm comfortable giving so as to have _you _more comfortable."

He hadn't looked at Thomas throughout but now he raised his eyes to do so and what he saw made him believe he hadn't acted in vain. The older man thanked him, told him how considerate that was and assured him that he had no intentions of making advancements on this new...familiarity. Thomas had never taken it as encouragement, he explained to the younger man, but it had warmed his heart. And now that he knew its real motive, he was happier than if it _had_ been encouragement.

Jimmy laughed slightly. "You don't mean that."

Thomas laughed along with him. "Well...alright, no. I don't. But it's almost as good as, and that's enough for me."

Jimmy doubted that it would last but Thomas seemed so sure. So he let it be and carried on as before. Noticing now, however, the way Thomas's face lit up at every little consideration the younger man made.

Maybe meeting Thomas Barrow was a good thing for Jimmy, aside from the trials that had brought them to this point. Or perhaps, rather, because of them.

The young footman had certainly had his eyes opened, that was for sure...


End file.
